Your Body Has An Early Warning System

By: Ted Harro

Wouldn’t it be great if every married couple lived in a connected circle where openness and acceptance and other-centeredness ruled? All of the time? In endless bliss?

Why, yes. That would be awesome. It would also be nice if men smelled like a field of lavender right after a workout. But it’s not going to happen. Unless you’re married to a guy from Provence. And if you are, I say good for you.

Wouldn’t it be nice?

The plain fact of marriage is that, while we spend some of our time deeply connected and much of our time with a possibility of connection, we’re going to do some time in disconnection. The circle will temporarily get separated. 

I wish people rationally noticed when their marriage circle is getting strained. If we could all channel our inner Spock and clinically note when things are getting sporty, marriage could be a lot more tidy.

But we’re bonding mammals, not Vulcans. When the circle feels strained, the most common reaction is that our brain gets temporarily hijacked. We go from being relaxed, able to play, create, and connect to being totally freaked out. 

Lucky for us, the human creature comes pre-wired with an early warning system. Out of the box with no assembly required. They’re our feelings. Some of us may hate on our feelings and wish they would just go away. But they’re actually a feature, not a bug.

When I mentioned this to my friend, Simon, he quipped, “I only have feelings if you count hot and cold as feelings.” 

He was being funny, but The Therapist would say that the joke is on him. That’s because she says that our emotions are accompanied by physical sensations. In fact, she will occasionally ask me where I feel a particular emotion in my body. 

I look at her quizzically and say, “At the end of my elbow. That’s where I feel all of my tiny little feelings.” She rolls her eyes and, for the 857th time, says to herself, “I married you! Amazing!”

But maybe she’s onto something. I have to admit that I’ve felt anxiety as butterflies in my stomach or cold hands. I’ve felt anger as a flush of heat. Embarrassment can be accompanied by a sudden opening of every sweat gland on my body. Come to think of it, I’ve felt the exhaustion of sadness, like a nap was an absolute necessity. And thank goodness, I’ve felt the lightness of joy. 

Your body’s early warning system

So pay attention to your body. It just might be telling you when you’re starting to get disconnected from your spouse before your brain has caught up.

Here’s something to try this week to train yourself to notice the emotional signs of disconnection before your mind even knows they’re there:

• Take two minutes each day to review the prior 24 hours. Note your highs and lows.
• Pick a high, a moment you really enjoyed. Slow it down in your mind, reliving it in as much detail as you can. Notice any physical sensations associated with the happy feeling.
• Pick a low. Slow it down. Notice and name the emotion you felt in that moment. (You can use this Feeling Word Cheat Sheet if you’re feeling-word challenged.)
• Notice any physical sensation you had with this difficult emotion.