Your Brain Knows You Want Connection

By: Ted Harro

If you’re reading this, I feel pretty safe saying that you have a deep longing to connect with at least one other human being. I’m not a genius. I just know a couple of important facts.

• Fact 1: You’re reading a blog about marriage. Unless you’re a marriage hater doing opposition research on the other team, it’s a solid indicator you care about this ever-challenging and often-wonderful relationship called marriage.
• Fact 2: You’re a bonding mammal. One of the most distinctive characteristics of bonding mammals like humans is that they have a persistent desire to be connected to others. 

Your Brain Hates Disconnection

Let’s take that bonding mammal thing.  Attachment Theory provides solid scientific research that shows how humans are hard-wired to long for connection to others. All you have to do is watch this research video of an infant whose mother temporarily keeps a still face instead of responding and connecting to her baby. The mother gets so uncomfortable watching the baby in distress that eventually she gives in and ends the experiment. 

Your brain when you’re disconnected

You may resist watching the baby suffer even that long…because you’re a bonding mammal. You can vicariously feel the pain experienced from the simple deprivation of human contact from a loved one.

Your Brain Digs Connection

Not only does Attachment Theory show us that we have a desire for connection. It also shows that connection can make us more likely to thrive when we’re in stressful situations. 

One researcher has shown that the presence of another person – even a stranger – makes us feel more capable of facing challenges. In an experiment only a university psych department could imagine, researchers tracked the brain activity of people who are going to receive random electric shocks. 

Here’s what the researchers found: the presence of a loved one can make us more resilient in measurable ways. We may still get scared, or maybe not. But when we’re able to hold the hand of a friend – and even a complete stranger – the parts of the brain that can completely hijack our reasoning don’t get triggered.

Your brain when you’re connected

No wonder solitary confinement is seen as one of the worst punishments. Even for introverts.

So if you notice that you feel better and thrive more when you’re connected with your spouse or your people, you’re just normal. You’re a bonding mammal. You shouldn’t be surprised that you need supportive people in your life. It’s the way you’re wired.

Here’s something worth trying this week:

• Notice situations you find stressful. How does the presence or absence of a supportive person affect how you feel in those situations?
• Who do you instinctively look to for support when you encounter a difficult situation? How does their presence or absence change your emotional response to those situations? Click here for a cheat sheet on how to name those feelings.
• The Therapist would like it if I ask you to identify where you notice your feelings in your body. She tells me that some people feel a flash of heat or flutters in their stomach. I’m still a baby bird at this, but I dare you to give that a shot.
• Who has played that supportive, bonded role with you over the course of your life? Maybe take a moment to fire off a note or a text thanking them for playing that role.