Who’s Your Marriage’s Biggest Fan?

By: Ted Harro

Who is the human who loves you best?

Father Michael came to visit our church a while ago. He’s a local Catholic priest who occasionally teaches our motley group of Protestants different ways to connect with God. It seems that Father Michael always ends up teaching us some variety of the Daily Examen. So much so that I once told him that he’s like the Baskin Robbins of the Examen, with at least 31 flavors of Examen goodness in his shop. 

This particular evening, as Father Michael guided us through a new variety of the Examen, he said something that got my attention like a mother grabbing a child’s cheeks to get him to look her in the eye. 

“Think of the person who loves and accepts you most in the world. Visualize that person. See his or her face. What expression does he or she have?”

My mind automatically drew a picture of Gretchen. Not just because she was sitting next to me. And not just because I know she’ll read this post. I’ve just never known anyone else who accepts and loves me like she does. In my mind’s eye, she was wearing that warm smile that first got my attention when we met in college.

Father Michael continued,

“God can’t love you less than the human who loves you best.” 

That’s the line that made me catch my breath. It’s worth reading again.

How about you? Who is the person who loves you and accepts you most in the world? What expression does he or she wear when they look at you?

I’ve been told many things about God, but what I took away from all of my life experience was not that He was that good. While no one ever said it out loud, I was taught by the largely unspoken example of people around me that God is a demanding person. I imagine Him looking at me with a critical eye, maybe slightly shaking his head and thinking, “He’s not really cutting it. What’s up with this guy anyway? When will he ever get it right?”

Father Michael was inviting me to entertain the possibility that God actually loves me at least as well as Gretchen does. That maybe he’s at least as smiley as she is. Sure, she occasionally gets cross with me but her resting expression toward me is a smile.

Or as John of Kronstadt said, “God the Trinity looks upon you with eyes brighter than the sun.”

How God feels about your marriage

What expression do you think God wears as he looks at your marriage? Not just the Instagram moments when you’re dressed up, looking sharp and happy, ready to impress the world with how splendid you are. But also those moments when you’re arguing in the car. On the way to church. About why one of you managed to leave the house without one of the kids and IS SO IRRESPONSIBLE. 

Or the times your home descends into icy silence because one of you unintentionally hurt the other and now there’s a chill in the air. 

Or when you’re making love after a great date night and it’s the best sex ever. 

Or when one of you wants to make love and the other one is snoozing away like a champ.

No matter the circumstances, God looks on your marriage with love

Most of us don’t think about the expression on God’s face at these times. Most of us don’t want to think about his expression or the possibility that he’s watching us at all. Maybe it even feels creepy. 

But I invite you to consider that perhaps Father Michael is right, that God loves you and your marriage at least as well as the person who loves you most. And if He does love you that much, his attitude toward your marriage is patient, kind, not easily irritated or keeping a list of your #MarriageFails. 

God is your marriage’s biggest fan. While he will inevitably challenge and even correct us, his resting expression toward us is always a smile.

Maybe it could be this way.

Here’s something to try this week:

• Remind yourself of the person who loves you best – and the expression they wear on their face when they look at you.
• Notice the ordinary moments of your marriage. Maybe write down a few each day, whether they are happy or challenging.
• As you remember those moments, ask God, “What do you think of our marriage?” Remember that God cannot possibly love you less than the human who loves you best.
• Notice the tone of voice or facial expression  you sense back from God. How does it match the tone of the person who loves you best in the world? If it’s different, is it possible that your picture of God is distorted? Could you consider the possibility that he is more generous and gentle toward you and your marriage than you think?