Is This As Good As It Gets?

By: Ted Harro

This is our wedding day
This is the promise that we’ll stay
Through the long descriptive passages
Where we don’t know what to say

-Book of Your Heart (U2)

Sam’s Meh Morning

It came out near the end of breakfast. I had been sitting with Sam for over an hour, catching up on all kinds of topics after a long break in our friendship. We had covered work, sports, our kids – the usual fare for breakfast between two guys our age. 

“How are things with Amy?” I asked innocently. Honest, I wasn’t fishing. As far as I knew, things were going great in their marriage. 

Sam stared at his shoes for a minute. I settled back into my seat, realizing that this conversation was going to extend beyond the planned time.

“Things are fine,” he said half-heartedly. 

“Really?” I asked.

“Sure. They’re fine. Not awesome. Not horrible. They’re… fine.”

Over the next few minutes, Sam haltingly talked about the distance that had grown between his wife and him. It wasn’t anything dramatic. 

That’s what impressed me most. No infidelity. No abuse. No screaming. 

It was just… fine.

“Are you really OK with that?” I asked, a tad incredulous. I had always seen Sam as one of those people who pursued the Good Life.

Sam shrugged. “I just think that’s the way it is. It’s as good as it’s going to get.” He paused. “And besides, I don’t really want to rock the boat. It’s not bad and it could definitely get way worse. It’s just not worth messing with it.”

That wasn’t the time or place, but I wanted to shout “Oh yes, it is! It’s totally worth it.”

Instead, I looked Sam in the eye and said, “It doesn’t have to be this way.”

It doesn’t have to be this way!

Mark’s Distracted Coffee

Mark and I had a different conversation over coffee. I was sharing about a marriage class that Gretchen and I were going to teach in the coming weeks. I asked him if he’d be interested in going. 

“You know,” he said, “those marriage classes aren’t really for Melanie and me.”

He may have noticed the puzzled look on my face, so he continued. “They’re basically all the same. They’re going to teach us about three things.” I’d been to enough of those classes that I could just about lip sync the next line. “Communication, conflict, and sex. That’s basically it. 

“And honestly, we have a really happy marriage. Those marriage classes are for people who are struggling. The content just doesn’t apply to people like us who have solid marriages.” 

“So you’re basically saying that you’re OK if you coast the rest of the way?” I said, trying to be a little provocative.

Mark paused for a moment. “I know it’s not the right answer, but yes. Our marriage is good enough that I don’t think it’s worth our time to go to classes. If this is as good as it gets, I’m totally fine with that.”

Mark is a business guy with a blue-chip MBA, so he rounded off his analysis with a classic line. “We’re just so busy. There’s just not enough marginal return at this point in our lives to spend our precious free time hearing the same stuff all over again.”

I understand Mark’s frustration with the same-ness of so much marriage work. But I wanted to say, “I get it that you’re bored with the conventional approach to marriage that you’re served up in most classes. I know you’ve heard about communication, conflict, and sex so much that you’re now an expert at talking about angry sex. 

“It doesn’t have to be this way.”

But Mark is much bigger than I am, so I kept my big yap shut.

It Could Be Better

“It doesn’t have to be this way.” That’s the way my friend and teacher, Trevor Hudson, sums up the good news of Jesus. For the addict and the person so gripped by ambition that she neglects her health to climb the ladder. For the heartbroken and the hard-hearted. And yes, for the discouraged or the self-satisfied person in a marriage.

It’s easy to get stuck wherever you are, to go on autopilot instead of keeping up the work on your marriage. God made you to have a lot of freedom, so He’ll allow you to do that. But it won’t lead to a life full of wonder and joy and freedom. 

The ancients knew this. They knew we all have a tendency toward either giving up or distracting ourselves with less-important things instead of becoming who we were created to be. They saw it as a sort of aversion to the sometimes tedious work of cooperating with God in his work to remake us into the amazing creatures He created us to be. 

Kind of like my aversion to broccoli, which apparently wants to make my body better. Thanks, broccoli.

Their prescription for married people would be simple: when you’re tempted to bail on the hard and wonderful work of marriage, hang in there. Stand firm. Join the ranks of those who press through the boring or nondescript parts of your marriage. 

The Cooperation with God Continuum

This is what masters of any area of life do. Musicians spend countless hours in the practice room. Athletes sweat it out in the gym. Artists… well, you can probably tell by my drawings that I have no idea what artists do. 

Another of my teachers, Chris Hall, talks about how God invites us into “learning spaces,” situations where we learn to listen to God, pay attention to God, and grow in self-awareness.  Marriage is one of the best learning spaces available for any married person.

So here are a couple of questions to ponder: 

• Where do I fall on Cooperation with God continuum when it comes to my marriage?
• How has my marriage been a Learning Space for me in the past? How could it be a Learning Space now?
• How could I engage with God in the Learning Space of my marriage?